he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
