I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
