Me. At least after what I've been through.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize