i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
