Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
