I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
