So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
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At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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