and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
