If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
