I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I will be naked everywhere
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
