Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you had me at cake vodka
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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