I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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