ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize