i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
