To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
