the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
This gyro tastes like lonliness
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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