I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
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