Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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