I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
