My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
