I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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