My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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