omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
