If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
