he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
