Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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