What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize