For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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