she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
