Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
