Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
