Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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