WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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