***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
