When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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