Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
