mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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