oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Yo dont text me then not text me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
