Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
