Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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