question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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