Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I think people are normalizing furries
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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