I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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