Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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