Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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