Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
