I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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