There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
