I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
