You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
