I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
