I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
