Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
