so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
